first in almost everything…can be daunting

It’s funny how being first generation in your family can mean being the first in so many things:

• the first to experience education in the U.S.
• the first to learn the language
• the first to figure out how to apply to college and go through that process
• the first to navigate college and barely make it to graduation
• the first in your immediate family to raise a child with special needs

In some areas, I’ve had help. I have older siblings, but at the time I was applying to college, the furthest they had gone was high school. I also have extended family members with children who have special needs. But even then, experiences are still different. That’s what often makes me feel like I’m navigating things in silos.

Isn’t it interesting how—even when others before you have faced a similar situation—it can still feel different? For example, while applying to college, I had to figure out what I truly wanted in a school on my own. I ended up at a small college in Los Angeles, which I loved. But college was tough. For the first time, I failed exams. I didn’t understand the concepts being taught. I had to learn new ways of studying. I even landed on academic probation—so close to being kicked out of school. Me! An honor student who had graduated as salutatorian of her high school.

And then there’s being the first in my immediate family to raise a child with autism. I’m fortunate to have a supportive family who deeply adores my son, but they don’t experience firsthand the challenges: trying to understand him when he can’t articulate his needs, figuring out why he’s crying or not sleeping, wondering what support will help him most.

I do ask questions of friends and family who also have kiddos on the spectrum, but here’s the thing: our children are all different. Autism is a spectrum—full of varied characteristics, timelines, and needs. Every child is unique. That means I have to get creative and figure out what works best for my child, and that’s not always easy.

Anyway, I guess this is more of a venting piece. But if you’re reading this and have ever felt lonely, I hope some of this makes you feel seen.

Also—being a middle child made it even harder to feel seen growing up. But here’s what I’m learning: we have to keep rolling with the punches and growing through experiences. Yes, being the first can be exhausting. But in the end, we also need to remember the moments of triumph that being first has given us.

To all of us who are ‘first’ in something: we may not have a roadmap, but we have resilience—and together, we’re creating new paths.